A little art therapy I did for myself in my dining room after she left for school.



 

I left her these drawings to see and she just shrugged and said "those are good, mom."
I guess she doesn't understand the message in them.

"Fat Is Not A Feeling"

It has been one week since we started the Modsley approach.  (Family Based Treatment)  She has been somewhat compliant.  We have her cleared to eat lunches with me on school days.  That is going ok.  However, most of the time she is emotional, selfish and irrational. (very different than her normal sweet "servant's heart" attitude)  I just weighed her.  We are up by 1.5 lbs.  I wish she could see this as an accomplishment instead of a "fat label".  I was hoping for a good 2.5-3 lbs.  This is going to be a long road...

Just ran into a website this past week called F.E.A.S.T. (Families Empowering And Supporting Treatment of Eating Disorders)              www.feast-ed.org    Lots of resources, conference videos and support.

Anorexia, the uninvited guest at our dinner table

    Just 3 months ago we saw 11 lbs come off our daughter's already thin 5 foot frame.  Her body transformed into a disturbing resemblance of what she was within 2 weeks. It happened when she was away from us in July.  A week mission trip to Guatemala followed by a week at camp gave "Ed" (eating disorder) the freedom to begin to destroy her without me there to protect her.  I should have weighed her before she left.  I should have threatened her with "no camp" if she returned lighter.  She weighed in at 86 lbs at the end of this summer.  11 lbs lighter than her checkup in April.  I was sick to my stomach when I saw that number on the scale and I felt the hair on my neck stand up.

A glimpse of our journey so far....

August

8/15-"I just want someone else to tell me I need to eat more instead of you!" she cried when I asked her "What will make you eat more?" She left for school and I headed to my computer to find a nutritionist in our area.  I'm a nurse for pete's sake.  But, fine, if that's what she needs I'll do it.  I'm tired of doing this alone.  I was battle weary.  I thought since I fought an eating disorder in my teens I could spot one and keep an invasion from happening in my home.

8/21-  We found a nutritionist.  Ms. Betsy.  A very straight shooter and scientific lady,  just the type of person Kendall needs to hear this from. She asked Kendall to bring in a 3 day log of what she eats. Come to find out it's 500 cal per day!  Betsy began to use the word "eating disorder..."  "Anorexia..."  as she talked to us.  I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.  I was just hoping she'd talk some sense into my daughter, not push us off a cliff.  She asked Kendall to bump it up to 1000 calories this week and we'd need to see her again soon.

We drove home together and I could tell Kendall didn't get it.  But I sure did.  And boy, was I angry.  I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with her after that and I could tell my voice was always shaking as I tried to control my rage each time I had to talk to her.  She was the one who was killing my first born daughter, my precious "coco".  She was the evil one whispering lies into my daughter's ears telling her to kill herself slowly. She'd bounce down the stairs and say  "hi" like she could detach herself from being a child-killer and I wanted to scream at her "get out!" 

  

This is an email I sent to a "prayer warrior" friend of mine...I was very raw/angry at this point as you can tell.

8/22- Thanks for your encouragement.

I have to confess, my anger towards her is very strong. I am not "hurting" for her, "feeling sorry" for her or "feeling helpless"...I am just plain furious now. I don't even want to look at her and I actually made her change her shirt yesterday because I couldn't stand to look at her pathetic shape. I want to throw her up against the wall and say "you little selfish, self-centered b****, how dare you think so highly of yourself that you do this..." I shared with her about how God punished the daughters of Zion with scabs on their heads because of their vanity...she literally had no idea why I shared that with her...really?

We are now coughing up $400 mo. for this nutritionist, taking time away from family each week, stressing our marriage, having to buy certain foods that she agrees to eat, have to watch her intake 24/7....And she doesn't see the sin in this??? Then she bounces into the kitchen this morning w/ her sweet "Good morning, mom" like nothing is happening....I am trying to control my anger and hide it, but frankly, I don't know if that's best...And am I really in the process of planning a "sweet 16" b.d. party for this little Pharisee?

Again, the mental picture of me throwing her up against a wall by her collar and pointing my finger in her face as I slowly share what I'm really thinking about her brings great satisfaction...Jesus overturned tables in righteous anger, right? I can easily overturn her 86 lb prissy-self out onto the doorstep and feel no regrets right now. (you know I'm not a hostile person, so for me to get to this point...well...that's why I asked for prayer...) I just want her out of my sight. (btw- Shawn is feeling the same.)

"Confess your sins one to another"....not sure what I'm feeling is "sin" but I'm confessing anyways...

Over the course of the next few weeks I stopped praying...I couldn't any more. I cried, told close friends what was happening, took up running as an outlet, neglected the rest of my family as I researched eating disorders and bought a ton of books. I bought "special foods" Kendall agreed to eat and then she'd change her mind when it came time to eat.  At least she'd eat dinner...with a nice helping of resistance on the side.

September

9/4- We found a therapist.  Mrs. B. It did concern me that she was filled with Botox because she was suppose to be counseling girls on "body image."  I thought we'd give her a chance, everyone has their thing, right?  The first apt. went ok.  She seemed a little morose but maybe she was trying to mirror Kendall...I dunno.  Also looked for a support group in our area...none.

 9/10-"We have been trying to hit 2000 calories.  This is so difficult.  Ms. Betsy said if she was hospitalized they'd pump in 3500 cal a day! Good grief!  This is stressing us out.  Discussions every night about how to hit the numbers are taking time away from my other kids.  My boys are saying "I miss you mommy"....I hate this.  I wake up and even before my eyes open, I feel anxiety and dread.  I resent her for taking time away from my other kids.  I wake up thinking what will today hold?  What will the fights with Ed look like today?...Had a blow out with her about 10 almonds.  I never have fought with her like this before...actually, I've never fought with her.

9/15-taking the week off of counting as we go to Charleston.  We need a break from the "worshiping of numbers"...

9/28-"My husband and I went out garage sailing got into one of the biggest fights in our 19 years of marriage. I actually jumped out of his car at an intersection and ran into a Publix bathroom to cry...  

I know he was stressed too and handling it as best as he can.  He ended up crawling under the stall and apologized...I know he's hurting too."  

October

10/2- Our 3rd therapist apt- Mrs. B told me we need to pursue an inpatient program for Kendall and then she began to try to convince my anorexic daughter to drink juice for a whole hour! I paid her $110 to have a conversation about different brands of juices on the shelves! Augh! Seriously? She knew we were already seeing a nutritionist!  As far as the inpatient thing, I feel very convicted that this is not what we need to do...I would put an NG tube down her myself first.  (already called the family Dr. to see if he could do that but he said no...had to make and apt. at Emory for her to be evaluated first) Ugh.  She's 5 foot, 86 lbs and doesn't eat enough and doesn't have her period...what more needs to be evaluated?  

On the way home from the therapist's office Kendall said she felt Mrs. B was reaching to "find fault" in our home-life, with myself and Shawn...asking leading questions that targeted our behavior and not Kendall's. The "Blame Game" I had read about has begun....Ugh. We are firing Ms. Botox.

10/8 I stayed up late and was searching the Internet for help.  I came across the word "Family Based Therapy".  I liked the sound of it.  It led me to a book titled "Treatment Manual for Anorexia Nervosa, A Family Based Approach" by Lock and LeGrange.  I clicked "Buy Now".

10/10-I pulled out of my own interests today in order to focus on Kendall.  I emailed  Compassion and told them I could not pursue coaching like I had hoped.  I notified the crisis pregnancy center to let them know I could not finish my volunteer training and I also emailed the high school to let them know I was not going to be able to volunteer this semester in the library....I feel sad.  This is all consuming.  Talked with a "Modsley Therapist" by phone today since there is none in our area.  She said we were already doing the approach without knowing it. (Re feeding phase)  She said she'd get back with me if she found someone in our area who could help us.  Looking forward to getting the book.

10/16-I had chest pains today...really? I cried at the Dr's office and unloaded on the nurse when she questioned me about my stress level. "Well, why don't she eat?"  She asked in her Russian accent. "I love food" she said as she put the blood pressure cuff on me.  "Why do girls do dat?" I wiped my tears and shook my head thinking "because they are "skinny addicts"...addicted to skinny...just like a druggie...my daughter is an addict...no different than the rest..and it's really hard to live with an addict and not lose your mind".  The Nurse practitioner came in and assessed me.  Of course, the pains were anxiety related and I was given Xanax.  I'm not a pill taker so I held onto the prescription to "think about it".  3 days later, I filled it.

10/14-Prayer for Kendall after church with the elders and their wives and a few close friends who knew.  Maybe 10 in all.  We did not demand that she come, but we told her we'd like her to come if she could muster up the courage.  Her fear is gossip, and rightfully so.  We are doing everything we can to protect her but I reminded her that this is not something she asked for...just like Mr. H who has leg cancer...we pray for him as a body and we want to pray for her. She came.  There were lots of tears shed by folks who love us, her and our family.  I hope someday she will remember this moment and see how much she is loved.  I think my anger is slowly subsiding.  

10/19-So Kendall said a few days ago, "I just want to hear it from a medical Dr...." (the need to gain weight)  Really?  Ugh.  So, the nutritionist wasn't enough?  Fine. Today was the apt. with our Family Practice.  She got on the scale and our practitioner noted her weight was way down from April.  We sat in the room and listened to Dr. tenderly explain the effects that anorexia can do to a body....Kendall remained silent.  It was apparent that Kendall did not want to be there by her snotty, disengaged attitude (which I later confronted her on...this  apt. was at her request!)    Then the Dr. unknowingly blurted out the one statement that sunk all her credibility...she looked at Kendall and said "I'd really like to see you at 110lbs".  Kendall's body sat there but her mind bolted out the door.  I thought "noooo!"  So, nothing the Dr. said held any weight after that.  It was a waste of an apt.

10/24- Today we met w/ Dr. R, a psychologist.  He sent us home with a ton of assessments that he wants her to take before her apt. tomorrow.  He is a little concerned about the Modsley method because of "the damage it can do to the relationship of the child and parents".  I've read otherwise, so I'm not sure.  She does seem to hate me but I understand this is normal.  The hope is that when the weight comes back on she'll sort of "see the light"....She is more compliant than before and our battles are not as bloody since I'm not backing down.  She knows I will stick to my guns when I tell her to eat and there is no choice to say no.  I did threaten to take her phone away once and that ended the battle.  I'm not waking up with feelings of dread anymore, she's eating and I feel hopeful today.

10/25-Kendall really likes Dr. R.  Who wouldn't?  He is kind, empathetic and so tenderhearted but speaks truth.  He evaluated the tests and described her to a "T" without even having a conversation with her.  It was fascinating. He said her anxiety is "off the charts" and he is concerned. He explained what happens in the brain when you live under that kind of anxiety for a long time. Lots of info. was given.  I really appreciated it. I guess it comes as no surprise. Kendall use to pull out her hair as she was resting when she was two!  Then she had extreme separation anxiety till she was 8yrs old.  Her preschool director handed me a card and said "your daughter needs help".  I just thought she wasn't ready to be apart from me so I pulled her out and let her stay by my side.  I guess I should have listened to her.  :(  She may need to be on meds....I'm sure Dr. R will be able to determine that.

10/29-Today is the 504 meeting at the high school to get Kendall out to eat lunch with me.  These turkey sandwiches and granola bars aren't cutting it, even with the almonds she has agreed to eat.  I told her we'd do it "her way" for a few weeks and if there was no progress, we'd have to do it my way....No weight gain yet...After 2 months of fighting and feeding, no ground has been gained.  The principal was there, school psychologist and a teacher.  The plan is for her to eat in the car with me and then she can bolt back to her lunch hr. to be with her friends.  Tonight she freaked out when I told her to eat the rest of her roast.  "My mouth hurts!" (she burnt it scarfing down hot soup I brought her for lunch cause she was in a hurry to get back to her friends)  I pulled out the lidocane mouth wash I had for my son's hand, foot, mouth disease from last yr and said "you can numb the roof of your mouth with this and then you can eat it".  She gave me the dirtiest look.  She ate it.

10/30-Lunch has been going ok.  She complained that I brought "too much" and her stomach hurt.  (I hear that every day!)  I made her eat it anyways.  Chocolate shake w/ cream and chili with extra olive oil.  I'm so glad she cannot count these calories...she has no idea.

intersection to get away!)